A letter to my past part I: the lack of memory.

I write today, pensively, in reflection on my life: my twenty years. A few things mark my current situation in my journey. First, my faith in Jesus is strong. I trust in Him to fulfill me as he so consistently, faithfully and mightily does. Second, I miss my friend Ryan Robertson who just passed away two weeks ago. Living in the blessings from God, and reflecting on my involvement in Ryan’s life, causes me to consider my own. Strangely enough, my life is divided into two distinct categories: A time of forgetfulness and a time of memory. To put it plainly, I cannot remember the first eleven years of my life, but the subsequent 8 are as vivid as each passing moment I spend in silence as I proceed throughout my day. Simultaneously, This "Forgetfulness" period ended as my friendship with Ryan blossomed, thus the threadlike connection with my current thoughts, to my reflective and introspective analysis.

Here are the things that I remember in the first twelve years of my life. I remember playing soccer with my dad twice: Once outside my house and another time at "Hiding Park" - which doesn't exist anymore. I remember eating potato chips and watching basketball on TV (but only one distinct game, it was the NY Knicks vs. Charlotte Hornets) - even though we must have done this for several hundred games. I remember being disciplined by my dad. I remember jumping off of the back a truck going 30mph...My first lesson in inertia. I also remember going to church for the elders to pray for me. I don't remember why. I also remember being tormented and struggling with that for so long. That final memory is what really dominated my childhood and is what made it difficult for me, and what frankly ruined it. Even when I see pictures of things that I did, I have nothing within me that that seizes them and releases any thoughts or recollection of events. It is such a deep black hole in my life that I so wish to know about, but fear I will be disappointed when I come to understand.

I write this today in an effort to be transparent. I desire light, I don't want anything to be hidden, and the darkness of deception is a lonely place.

John 8:31-32 Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

1 Corinthians 4:5 - He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.

Weaving those two verses together, I feel inspired to be a son of the Truth, and to be open about my life, open about my motives, and to share my thoughts without shame. Ryan's father Rob really taught me a good lesson over the past few years about being humbly vulnerable to love through consistent honesty. Even in the face of the deepest pain and sorrow, by the grace of God he is strong, even in tears, strong enough to open his arms and open his heart and share his struggles. I am confident that that strength can propel him through any obstacle as I have seen him overcome many and lead his family through many more. I aspire to be a strong enough man to allow myself to be vulnerable like that. I think my children would appreciate it too.

While I sit here, I can't help but wonder at the gaps in my life that I cannot resurrect. Times where I was not in control of my life - where the enemy had a grip on my spirit, I cannot remember at all. Is that for my own protection and benefit? Or is that a loss in the battle for my soul? I also wonder why, as a mere child I was chosen to be tormented. I have no idea why. Being so feeble, so young, perhaps I was an easy target? I don't fully comprehend the schemes that the devil employs to attempt to pluck children out of the hand of their Creator. All I know is unfortunately, for most of my life I have been a victim to that. It causes me to wonder how things would be different...Would my life be better? But my God, reassuring me puts this passage of scripture on my heart:

Romans 8:28-30 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

My struggles are not in vain. Even with the memory loss, I can still consciously feel the difference between filled with the devil and being filled with the Holy Spirit, and oh my! What a difference that is! I speak now, filled with the love of my Father GOD in defiance to the hatred of the enemy, Satan, while I relish the presence of the Lord, especially in comparison to where I came from: the valley of the shadow of death - straight evil.

In conclusion, I don't quite know what to make of those years, other than to know that I have been given a unique perspective on life as one who has come from death and been brought into abundant life. My story in some ways parallels that of my friend Ryan, as he went through many of the same struggles. And in that instance of a friendship, we became inseparably close because of the understanding of hardship that we shared. We had respect for each other, respect for experience: the unfortunate, yet strong tool to infuse wisdom into the life of fools. More about this and more about other such things are to come in my second letter. For now, I have to depart and face my day, my new day. I love you dear reader, thank you for being patient and allowing me to share my story with you.


Michael Nicholas Hallak